


The Nightvale Daily Journal Issue #8991

by poetic_leopard



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GLOW CLOUD, M/M, Night Vale Being Night Vale, This Is Very Similar to Cecil's Radio Show Fics, Typical Night Vale Violence, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, Welcome to Night Vale News Program Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 03:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6313966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetic_leopard/pseuds/poetic_leopard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following broadcast is an audio transcript of The Nightvale Daily Journal Issue #8991. This should only be audible to Night Vale citizens. If you are not a citizen of Night Vale, this recording will self destruct in sixty seconds. It will also release a toxic gas that will cause you to forget this ever happened. If you are a citizen of Dessert Bluffs who somehow got their slimy, nasty hands on this recording, this recording will take you with it when it self-destructs. That is all. If you have any concerns or complaints, open any house window and whisper quietly into the bushes. We will be there to assist you as soon as we are able. </p><p>xxxxx</p><p>This is just something I wrote a long time ago, when I was bored one afternoon and had been listening to way too much NightVale and sipping on way too much coffee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nightvale Daily Journal Issue #8991

The following broadcast is an audio transcript of The Nightvale Daily Journal Issue #8991. This should only be audible to Night Vale citizens. If you are not a citizen of Night Vale, this recording will self destruct in sixty seconds. It will also release a toxic gas that will cause you to forget this ever happened. If you are a citizen of Dessert Bluffs who somehow got their slimy, nasty hands on this recording, this recording will take you with it when it self-destructs. That is all. If you have any concerns or complaints, open any house window and whisper quietly into the bushes. We will be there to assist you as soon as we are able. If you are a Night Vale citizen, you already know what to whisper as it was announced on the radio last night. Enjoy.

* * *

The Nightvale Daily Journal

* * *

The Nightvale Tourism Board has recently added the Glow Cloud to the list of Night Vale's attractions, claiming that visitors should be aware of its potent and all-encompassing presence, also, so, you know, they begin to believe in the Glow Cloud before it swallows them into the vast nothingness of the void as punishment.

Hey, we're not calling the mighty Glow Cloud portentous, but we _really_ need existent, non-incorporeal tourists this time of year. The Glow Cloud however, did not take to this announcement well and did proceed to devour, torture and flay half of their staff who have now been reduced to floating consciousnesses. We do hope they enjoy their experiences as disembodied souls - and if any one of you is reading this right now, please address any comments or complaints to City Hall immediately. Thank you, and **ALL HAIL THE MAGNIFICENT GLOW CLOUD.**

PSA: The Sheriff's Secret Police would like to remind any and all citizens that Time is our enemy. Time is primal, and possibly feral. If you see Time around town, do not speak to it or about it. Do not tweet about it or to it. Do not look directly at it. Do not even _think_ about it.

In fact, forget we ever mentioned it.

Remembering this PSA will lead to immediate action being taken out on you, including but not limited to:

  * reeducation
  * trepanning
  * soul-extraction
  * sacrifices to the Glow Cloud
  * deleting you from the known universe. 



  
However, if Time does approach you on a Thursday or a Tuesday, please contact the Sheriff's Secret Police immediately. We will take care of it. Time will not approach you on any other day, if it does, well - we said Thursdays and Tuesdays, any other day it's not our problem. _Jeez Louise._ Try to keep up.

**The Bloody Beetroot Problem**

Do you like vegetables? That was a trick question. Nobody likes vegetables. Do you buy vegetables? That was not a trick question. Vegetables are important for healthy sustenance of life. Almost every bloodstone sacrament or ritual sacrifice you come across these days involves vegetables. Recently, an ample lot of Nightvale citizens bought the bleeding beetroots from John Peters, you know, the farmer - who found them growing and hovering and pulsating in his backyard on Saturday afternoon. Well, turns out, households all over town are complaining that the beetroot are bleeding out on their newly steam cleaned carpets, screaming at their children and house flies, screeching everytime a Kardashian is on the television and smelling vaguely like sulphur.

When approached, John Peters - you know, the farmer - claims he had no idea why the beetroot was behaving in this manner but that he should not be the one to blame. "I didn't grow them. They just appeared in my backyard, remember? I was making a few bucks out of a dismal situation. I didn't know they would be such a pest." When approached again, he shrunk into the darkness of his home and refused to come out for comment.

Luckily, Nightvale resident Earl Harlon, a childhood friend of Cecil Palmer, a Scout Master of the Nightvale Chapter of the Boy Scouts of America, and the sous chef of Tourniquet, claims that he has found the solution to the rising beetroot problem. "You want to hack at it with your best chainsaw, but only after you drain it of its blood so that it doesn't spew everywhere like an erupting volcano," explained Earl. "Then you want to grab a kitchen towel, or a bathroom towel at your own risk, and enwreathe it like you would wrap a naked new born baby, then, whisper the tunes of four distinct Backstreet Boys songs to it for about an hour and a half twice a day, and you're good to go. The beetroot is ready for use."

**Announcement From The Sheriff's Secret Police**

Famed Actor Lee Marvin's autobiography will be available on book shelves tomorrow. Once they appear, it is mandatory for every citizen who does not want to be devoured by the eternal nothingness of the cold void to buy and read this book. Yes. We are aware that books are illegal, but we have an anomaly. We apologize in advance for all the misery and torment you will suffer at the hands of the librarians once you enter the library. Any consequences, fatal or otherwise - will not be considered imperative enough to be public knowledge. Do leave your book reviews scrawled across the rusty walls of the Invisible Teleporting Clock Tower if you survive. We are always delighted to consume your thoughts.

**This Week's Horoscopes:**

**Sagittarius -** There is an upside to everything. Including that strange brown box that just appeared at your doorstep while you were in the shower. Approach the upside with caution. And maybe a gas mask. We're pretty certain it has a sharp set of fangs and emanates unidentified emerald vapor.

 **Scorpio -** It's not the end of the world. I mean, it's scheduled for next month, so... you're pretty safe right now. I mean, unless you've upset your outer space allies. Or the critters that watch you from under the bathroom sink. Or your reptilian overlords.Or destiny. Sorry. Nevermind. You're not safe at all. Good luck to you.

 **Libra -** Do you like the scent of sidewalks after the rain? Do you like the gold and magenta tinges of the parting sun? Do you like the spider wolves that roam the Whispering Forest? We really hope you like them, because they're coming for you. They're coming for you now. Run. Oh come on! A headless chicken could run faster than that. _Oops_. You're dead. Have a wonderful journey.

 **Virgo -** Love is in the summer skies. Love _will_ find you. It's going to track you down so you better barricade the windows, use metal latches on your doors, shrink into the darkest spot of your living room, close your eyes and pretend you don't exist so it doesn't get to you.

 **Leo -** You need a good night's sleep. _Seriously_. You look like death. Take a nap. Do it right now before the lost souls who roam the approaching three nights restlessly in search of a human host find you and possess you. Hurry. HURRY!

 **Cancer -** Be kinder to your loved ones. Shower them with love and treats before they are gone in the blink of an eye. They will be gone soon. They have offended the Sheriff's Secret Police and they are coming for them. Spend time with your loved ones before they are erased from the world and you are condemned to live a lonely, barren existence.

 **Gemini -** In the end, Gemini. We only regret the chances we don't take. But we shouldn't regret anything that we didn't do for all our actions and behaviors are controlled by a secret intelligent species that lives on the moon. So instead of wallowing, you should go and attack them.

 **Taurus -** Do you believe in Gods, Taurus? You should, because if you don't that's illegal and they're probably on their way to your house right now, to reorient you on your mandated worship rituals. Start believing now, they have needles and polished javelins!

 **Aries -** You should never tell people what's on your mind. People may use the information they collect from you against you, they may use it to destroy you. Sometimes, friends make the worst enemies - so avoid making friends. Live the life of a recluse hermit and we promise nobody will plot against you ever again.

 **Pisces -** Don't make a wish upon a star. They're gaseous, remote, incandescent bodies like the sun, orbiting through the massive black infinity of space. They couldn't care less about you. Plus, it's more than a little pathetic.

 **Aquarius -** Everytime your heart breaks you can feel the visceral reaction as it happens. The blood screaming inside your veins, the arteries collapsing in on one another, your lungs toppling like dominoes. This is not normal, Aquarius. Please visit your family doctor immediately.

 **Capricorn -** If you think about how insignificant you are in this gigantic, insane, overwhelming world, your problems still don't cease to be, but they're a lot less bigger than they seemed. That's probably because your problems are flesh-eating termites. They're microscopic organisms, very difficult to see. We prescribe reading glasses.

Mia's Exorcism Emporium! You've got ghosts? We've got crosses! Just scream "OH GOD!" while facing Southwest and clutching your heart in fear. We'll find you.

There are darker things than night. They watch you from between the shadows. With dark eyes, void, unblinking, soulless eyes.With illuminated eyes. They're always watching. They're probably watching right now. Do you feel the breath of a demonic creature ghosting across your face everytime you open the door that leads to your bedroom? Do you feel the gentle caress of razor-sharp talons across your cheek when you are drifting into your dreams? Maybe the hoarse cackles of an inhumane thing from behind your shower curtain? Well... Add some color and sprinkles into the obscure black of your oblivion. Add some taste and soft, rich cream! Come, take a delicious bite today! Your demons will thank you! This advertisement was brought to you by _Krispy Kreme Donuts._

 **DID YOU KNOW** that trees are sentient beings simply disguised as organic plant matter and shrubbery? They're omnipresent, and they're self-aware, they will learn about us, comprehend the unattainable meaning of life and one day they will come out of hiding to invade us and take over the planet. Be nice to these creatures as doomsday looms, perhaps in time for the next blood space war. Water your plants. Sacrifice your enemies' sizzling flesh to carnivorous wildflowers. Make as much carbon dioxide for them as possible and if you're lucky, like, extremely lucky - they'll grow fond of you and spare you from pending annihilation.

The Sheriff's Secret Police requests citizens to stop posting selfies on social networking websites such as Tumblr, Instagram and Facebook in the following locations: the men's bathroom of the Nightvale Community Radio Station, the car lot, old Woman Josie's house, Arby's, the scrublands, void, your bedroom, your closet, your shower, The Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, Radon Canyon, The Moonlite All-Nite Diner, and every other piece of land or structure situated in the vast desert town of Night Vale. Any selfies found taken in these locations and posted online will be redacted immediately, and the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency will have no choice but to delete your account. Do you really wanna lose all those followers you literally took centuries to gain? We didn't think so.

**The Community Calendar**

**Monday -** Everyone must report to the Haunted Baseball Diamond for the game. It is not important what game it is, or at what time you must report, or for how long you will be there. Just arrive there or get thrown out of the house by the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home.

 **Tuesday -** Tuesday is Pet day. Everyone must spend the day with their pets, take your dog out for a walk (but not to the Dog Park!), or your crow, or your cat or your pit vipers. Every pet owner needs to devote at least a day to spend some quality time with your pets before your pets kill you in your sleep or skip off to the lost pet city on the moon.

 **Wednesday -** Wednesday is radioactive. Please don't forget to wear your community provided hard hats, hazmat suits, opaque sunglasses and oven mitts. Refraining from doing so WILL have lethal results.

 **Thursday -** Our government's allies from Jupiter - the swanky looking fella's who wear tin foil clothing and have eyes like tiny twin suns and call themselves our intergalactic overlords will be showing up for a visit. We must greet them with our utmost respect so wear your brightest clothes, don't forget to shine your tentacles or membranes if you have any, and just give them a great, warm Night Vale welcome. They communicated to us - through strange unearthly weeping and unrelenting squawking that they do appreciate Southern Hospitality.

 **Friday -** Please delete Friday from your memory. Leave the thought outside of your door and step a good seven meters away from it. The Secret Police will come and collect it.

 **Saturday -** The Annual Parade of The Mysterious Hooded Figures at Night Vale Stadium

 **Sunday -** INFORMATION REDACTED.

**The Advice Column**

_TheBlueGhost says:_ Hi, a little girl appeared at my doorstep during the middle of the night last Friday. She knocked exactly four times, and then proceeded to whisper the word 'turnip' in a gravelly voice. I opened the door, absolutely floored - and asked her what she wanted. This girl claimed she was my daughter. I can't exactly describe what she looks like because her face was mostly covered in a thin, jello like substance that could have blood or plasma. The girl wore a pink dress and ballet slippers. Her hair was green and done up in two identical pigtails. I told her that I don't have a daughter and shut the door in her face. She went away. She has been, however, appearing at my doorstep every single night since then and she's always repeating the same exact behavioural patterns. It's been a week. I'm beginning to get annoyed. What should I do?

Hello, citizen. We apologize for the inconvenience. We are not sure why this little girl is after you as we do not have any records of her so practically - there is no evidence of her existence. We would look into it for you but we have a lot on our mind right now, so we'll just settle for offering you with a solution. Offer the Glow Cloud something nice and shiny - ideally, you should offer it a part of you - such as your shadow, or your reflection for best results. Go home and using your most powerful bloodstone, chant the hymn of your favorite Lady Gaga song fourteen times. After this, sing praises to the skies - chant about how auspicious and dominant the Glow Cloud is, if we were you we'd add a section where you're just droning on about how we're all its slaves - and then request it to consume her into its dark, cirrocumulus bosom.

 _SeasonallyLostSoul says:_ My brother accidentally made a joke about the dog park. He made this joke a month ago. He's just vanished. I can't find him anywhere now. What do I do? Can I negotiate with the Hooded Figures? Is Desert Bluffs to blame?

Firstly, citizen - Desert Bluffs is _ALWAYS_ to blame. That town **sucks**. Secondly, please proceed to arrange a memorial service for your brother within the next ten minutes before we alert the Secret Police to come and obliterate all traces of your brother's existence. The hooded figures are not to be negotiated with. They are free to do with him as they please. Your brother is dead now. We wish him a happy death. If he does have any complaints, he should address them to the City Council before he is wiped out of space and time. We are truly sorry about this development. Your brother was a good man. We know this because we know everything.

 _SomeoneYouShouldn'tKnow says:_ I have a crush on this boy from my class but he would never, ever like me back. I'm not beautiful enough. Any advice?

Ah, yes. We saw your emotions in our Registry of Middle School Crushes. Oh. That's easy. Buy a cave, or a steel prison. Track him down, pluck him out of his home and secure him in this cave and or prison. Once you do so, order him to fall in love with you if he ever wants to see daylight again. If this does not work and the boy is stubborn, you should just opt any one of the seven ritual sacrifices that apply to your particular problem in the Ritual Sacrifices For Dummies Guide available at the public library. This is, of course, assuming you live to tell the tale of the trip to that gruesome place. The last option would be to contact Josie and her angels. Wait. No. We're sorry, this is not a valid solution because angels certainly do not exist.

 _William Baker says:_ My parents have recently begun believing in mountains. I'm disgusted and don't know what to do?

A quick reeducation should fix that problem. Thank you for alerting the Secret Police. Strap them to their beds and close all the blinds. We will be arriving to collect them shortly.

**The Seven Day Outlook, and Weather Forecast Predictions**

  * Monday - Sapphire, Pop Rock 
  * Tuesday - Lavender with a slight chance of hail, Country 
  * Wednesday - Blood Red, Jazz 
  * Thursday - Blood Red with chances of rain, Blues 
  * Friday - Indigo Tornado, Classic Rock 
  * Saturday - VOID, Hip Hop 
  * Sunday - Sapphire/Indigo, Punk Rock



  
Carlos and his group of scientists called on an emergency press conference at City Hall on Thursday evening about how all the GPS' in Nightvale seem to lead to the same place. This of course, upset ex Mayor Pamela Winchell who has been officially appointed The Director of Emergency Press Conferences by Mayor Dana Cardinal herself. Winchell appeared whilst the meeting was still in session, materializing through a puff of green smoke and yelling loudly at everyone present in a dead language that nobody except the hooded figures seemed to be to able to translate. The ex mayor persisted by flailing her arms to either side vigorously and gesturing empathically until she saw Carlos' gorgeous face and decided to let them off the hook. After Pamela Winchell stepped out of the press conference and back into the void, Carlos carried on to explain how every GPS in Nightvale leads to Radon Canyon. He repeatedly questioned why citizens did not find this information bizarre, but most just claimed that they never used GPS' anyway. "How do you find your way around town, then?" Carlos demanded. The audience then explained that they prefer using northern stars, alien satellites, metaphors and multi-dimensional portals to commute around town. Carlos and his scientists then concluded the meeting and proceeded to go grab a slice at Big Rico's pizza and sigh profusely at the apparent wackiness of our town. They're a strange bunch, aren't they?

**THE REST OF THIS PARTICULAR ISSUE OF THE NIGHTVALE DAILY JOURNAL HAS BEEN REDACTED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN SAFETY, CITIZENS.**

**Author's Note:**

> \- want to scream into the eternal void with me? come talk to my on my [tumblr blog.](http://winterblues.tumblr.com/)  
> \- today's proverb: Life is like a box of cockroaches. No matter what you pick, you end up becoming slimy and insignificant.  
> \- if you'd like to make a podfic on this, please don't hesitate, (no seriously, that would be awesome!) just make sure to credit me and link me to it.  
> \- if you like this, please do leave me a comment, and check out my other night vale radio show format fic 'Heat Wave' in my works if you want more random night vale madness ^.^


End file.
